Wait, that doesn’t sound right — I mean for one thing, I don’t even get minimum wage.

Fortunately, I already had everything I needed to throw together some steak sandwiches, GFCF Lady style. You probably do, too. It really doesn’t require much. I started with one onion, cut into long strips and sauteed to extremes in a little oil. To get the onion fully soft and caramelized without burning, it helps to put a lid on the pan to trap in the moisture and cook it from all sides. I let the onion cook the whole time I was making everything else, so probably about 20 minutes in total.

Next, a steak marinated in Lea & Perrins worcestershire sauce. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!] I just laid it on a rack and tossed it under the broiler in my oven for about 6-8 minutes per side. (I’m morally opposed to using an outdoor grill when it’s still above 100 degrees after sunset, you know. But if you don’t live in a state adjacent to Hades itself, you might choose to see things differently. I’m also morally opposed to cleaning greasy pans, which is why I always line mine with foil.)

Meanwhile, I whipped up a tasty little sandwich spread by combining 2 Tablespoons of gluten-free mayonnaise (try Hellman’s if you’re looking for a national brand) and 2 teaspoons of worcestershire. The GFCF Husband likes to call this “flavornaise,” and I like to ignore him.

Thin slices of steak, thin slices of onion, thin slices of tomato, all on a sandwich-spreaded gluten-free bun. Oh my god y’all, it was so good.

But here’s a tip: do not, I repeat, do not put this on a round hamburger bun like I did. Use GF hot dog buns instead. There’s a reason this kind of sandwich typically gets put on a long roll, and for once the children weren’t the only ones making humongous messes on their plates. We gave up and got out forks within the first 3 bites. But man, I totally didn’t care.

Happy Eating!

Steak Sandwiches

1 onion
1-2 lb. steak
1 tomato
2 Tbs Hellman’s mayonnaise
2 tsp Lea & Perrins worcestershire
2-4 Kinnikinnick hot dog buns

I love steaks. And clearly I’m not the only one — did you know our university’s mascot is, in fact, a Longhorn cattle? I can’t think of any other place that would happily eat their alma mater’s ambassador. But let’s face it, they’re delicious. A slab of meat and a little heat is all you need. Well, okay, not entirely. You need a couple other things. But not many!

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First, you need salt, pepper, and rosemary. I can’t give you exact measurements, you just sprinkle them all on. Make it look like this and you can’t go wrong.

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Then put them seasoning-side-down in a pan with just a little oil. Important tip: you want the pan to be hot before you put the meat in. Not spattering oil everywhere, just hot enough to make the meat sizzle when you put it in. And hey, now that the underside is exposed, you can season it too.

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You want to only have to flip the meat one time, which means you want to leave it until the cooked part is climbing more than halfway up the sides, and the bottom is nice and browned. After you flip it, you can either play forensic detective with your steaks trying to figure out when they’re done, or you can just get out your trusty meat thermometer and pull them off the heat when they’re exactly 150 degrees F.

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Transfer your steaks over to their respective plates, but don’t turn the heat off yet. See all that fantastic brown stuff the meat left behind? We want it off the pan and into our sauce. So we’re going to pour in about 1/4 cup of red wine vinegar and deglaze that mofo. This is one of those foods that ought to be gluten-free, as long as you’re using real red wine vinegar and not some “red wine flavored” knockoff. Above all, make sure the word “malt” isn’t anywhere on the label, because that could mean barley, which would mean gluten. You could also substitute a balsamic vinegar, if you happen to have that instead.

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There’s no real reason for this extra shot, but photos of pouring liquid look cool. Just milliseconds before it hit the pan!

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The mad bubbling will do most of the work, but you can help it along by scraping up any remaining brown bits with a wooden spoon. A few moments later you’ll be left with an incredible sauce infused with all the flavors of the meal.

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Drizzle the sauce over the steaks, and prepare to experience a serious meat coma.

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Happy Eating!

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Rosemary Steaks

2-4 steaks
Salt
Pepper
Rosemary
1/4 cup red wine vinegar

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Here are the first three: oil (my sunflower oil is lovely, but something more common like grapeseed or olive oil would work just as well,) McCormick curry powder, and lime juice. Curry powder is one of those spice blends that can commonly be cut with white flour, so be careful with your brands. [As always, the brands that I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

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Ingredient number four is, of course, steaks. Pop them in a ziplock bag with 1 Tablespoon of oil, 1 Tablespoon of curry powder, and 2 Tablespoons of lime juice, and massage everything around. See how I’m also not even getting a bowl dirty with this one? I’m lazy both mentally and physically. Let it marinate in the fridge for 30 minutes or all day, however much time you have.

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If you want to go all authentic, throw your steaks on the grill. Me, I’m going to put them on a little pan rack over some foil (not my mind-foil, this is different) and put them under the broiler in my oven.

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About 6-8 minutes a side will result in this beauty. And though I may not be able to remember what I had for breakfast this morning, you’d better believe I’m going to remember what I had for dinner.

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Happy Eating!

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Curry Lime Steaks

2-4 steaks
1 TBS sunflower oil
1 TBS McCormick curry powder
2 TBS lime juice

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But this kebab recipe is better than just hunks of meat and vegetables. This is more like pure joy with a giant toothpick crammed through it. If you’re using wooden skewers like I am (bamboo, actually, which is a grass rather than a wood, but that’s beside the point,) you’ll need to soak them in water beforehand so they don’t burn. It doesn’t take long, you can just let them sit long enough for you to finish prepping the rest of the ingredients.

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Did I mention this kebab recipe involves bacon? I’ve been finding all sorts of wonderful new uses for bacon recently. This is Hormel Natural Choice, which is not only gluten free, but nitrate- and nitrite-free as well. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change recipes without warning. Always check your labels!] We want it separated into half-strips, so I just cut right down the middle of the package to open it. Done and done.

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Also cut your beef into bite-sized chunks. I forgot to take a picture of that, silly me. I think I used a round roast, but don’t quote me on that. Any solid piece of meat will do, including chicken or lamb if that’s more your thing. Next you’re going to set up two bowls. In the first bowl, put about 2-3 Tablespoons of chili powder.

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Take a piece of meat and dip half of it in the chili powder.

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Then flip it around and dip the other half in your second bowl, which you should have coyly filled with sugar without taking a photo of it. I was really off my game the night I made this, I tell you what. But yes, half chili powder, and half sugar. It is so good. And it gets better…

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Now wrap a slice of bacon around your hunk of beef. It’s like a teeny tiny filet mignon!

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Skewer it so that the bacon stays in place, and try to fill at least some of the space in between with things that are not meat. I’m using pineapple and red bell pepper, because they’re a fantastic combination. There is nothing in this world better than grilled pineapple.

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Do you grill? Because I totally don’t. I just can’t see the point in firing up an entirely separate cooking appliance, outdoors in the cold no less, when I have a perfectly good oven with a broiler. Direct heat is direct heat, and I honestly don’t see the difference, blasphemy though that may be to some of you grill acolytes. Anyway, this is a foil-lined pan, with my kebabs sitting on a little raised rack, so the drippings have somewhere to go. Turn the broiler on high, put the pan close to the top (where the broiler element lives, if you’ve never used it,) and give the kebabs about 6-8 minutes per side. It’s going to depend a lot on how thick your meat pieces are, so keep an eye on it.

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It’s done when it looks like this. You, however, won’t be done until there’s none left.

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Happy Eating!

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Beef Kebabs

1-2 lbs. beef steak or roast
2-3 TBS chili powder
2-3 TBS sugar
1 pkg Hormel Natural Choice bacon
2 cups pineapple
1 red bell pepper

Our sauce base today is this organic, gluten-free hoisin sauce by Edward & Sons. (They also make great instant potatoes, by the way, as well as all-natural GFCF sprinkles for cupcakes.) [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

Note that not all of the Edward & Sons sauces are gluten free, just this one and their teriyaki sauce. And if you look closely at the bottle, you’ll also learn how to say “gluten free” in French! Actually, that may be “without wheat,” I’m not sure. Either way, “bleh” is an appropriate syllable for it, don’t you think? If you want to have a go at making an approximation of this sauce yourself, it’s mostly soy sauce (make sure yours is GF!), apple cider vinegar, sugar, orange juice, sesame oil, and Five Spice. An Asian-y barbecue sauce, really.

So pour out 1/4 cup of the hoisin sauce, and add 2 Tablespoons of honey…

…and 1 1/2 Tablespoons of Lea & Perrin’s worcestershire sauce.

Now, cut up about a pound of beef steak into bite-size pieces, and mix them in the bowl with the sauce. Give them as much time to marinate as you can, but don’t sweat it if it isn’t that long. Usually I end up just letting it sit long enough for me to cook the mushrooms. What mushrooms, you ask?

These mushrooms! Sautee 8 oz. of fresh mushrooms in some olive oil until they’re mostly cooked, a good 8-10 minutes.

While you wait, get out 1/2 cup of dried cranberries, and soak them in some water. I know I use cranberries a lot, but if you don’t like the taste you could always use dried cherries or even golden raisins instead.

Meanwhile, start cooking your rice. 1 1/2 cups of rice is a good complement for the amount of stir fry we’re making, but of course you could do more or less depending on how many people you’re trying to feed.

Man, I always forget how much mushrooms shrink when you cook them. Dump in your meat-sauce concoction and let the meat brown, stirring occasionally. I know it isn’t truly a stir fry unless you have it over very high heat and are stirring constantly, but that’s a bad idea here because it will burn off the sauce too quickly. I won’t tell if you won’t.

And just for a little crunch, let’s toast 1/2 cup of almonds and throw them in there too. I always stock both almonds and cranberries in the pantry, not only for cooking but for sprinkling on salads as well. If your preference is for walnuts, or cashews, or pine nuts, those are all fine and dandy too. It’s a stir fry, do whatever you want! The easiest way to toast the nuts is to microwave them in a bowl one minute at a time, tossing them gently in between, until they crunch when you bite them (instead of squeaking.)

We’re almost there! Drain the cranberries (or other dried fruit of your choice,) and dump them in the pan along with the almonds.

And that’s it! Serve over rice, and sit back and watch the smiles on their faces. Well, don’t sit back too long, you’ll want to eat your own before it gets cold.

Happy Eating!

The GFCF Lady’s beef stir fry

1/4 cup Premier Japan (Edward & Sons) Hoisin sauce
2 TBS honey
1 1/2 TBS Lea & Perrin’s worcestershire sauce
1 lb. beef steak
8 oz. mushrooms
1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1 1/2 cups rice

That there’s a dutch oven with some olive oil in it. You could technically do this in a crock pot, but I just can’t imagine why you would want to. Number one, a dutch oven distributes the heat more evenly than a crock pot, and number two, the heavy lid makes a tight seal and keeps all the moisture inside, while every crock pot I’ve ever seen lets the steam escape, sometimes splattering all over the counter in the process. And that’s just not cool.

Peel and quarter two onions. This is my absolute favorite part of the recipe, by the way. When they come out of the pot, all golden and soft… but wait, that’s not for hours yet, don’t let me get sidetracked.

Now, a lot of pot roast recipes out there will tell you to season the meat with a “ranch dressing packet.” There are lots of descriptive words I could use to tell you what I think about those things, but we’ll keep it family-friendly and go with “not GFCF” for now. Suffice it to say, it’s both cheaper and healthier to use real spices. All you need is one Tablespoon each of celery salt (which is just salt and celery seed mixed together, if you happen to already have the latter in your spice drawer,) parsley, and chives.

Mix the spices on a plate and just lay the roast right on top of them. I usually do about a 2-3 lb. piece of meat, but you could certainly choose a bigger one if you wanted. Rotate it around on all sides, and press the spices in firmly so they stick.

Now, sear each side of the meat on high heat until it’s browned. You may feel kind of silly holding a huge piece of meat up on its end for a minute or two, but it’s important to get the edges too, and try as I might, I’ve never had a roast that would balance on its own.

Then set it aside on a plate, just for a second.

Measure out 2 cups of Pacific Foods organic beef broth, which is gluten-free. (But don’t take my word for it, always double-check your labels.)

See all those brown bits that stuck to the pan when we were searing the meat? We don’t want to waste them because they taste awesome. So pour just a tiny stream of broth into the pot to deglaze it. (It’s always seemed to me that we’re creating a glaze, not de-glazing anything, but those fancy chefs on the TV all tell me I’m wrong.) It’ll boil and spatter for a minute, and then the bottom of the pot will be magically clean.

Then set your meat back in the pot, pour the rest of the broth in, and place your onion quarters in around the sides. Mmm, cooked onions…

Top with carrots, put the lid on, and cook in a 275 degree oven for 3-4 hours. Normally people use baby carrots for this sort of thing, but we just love the matchsticks. Any shape will work, even those cute little flowers they cut them into at fancy restaurants. But don’t expect that kind of artistry out of me.

Just take a look at that deliciousness! Sure, sure, the meat’s good too, but do you see those onions? I could seriously just eat all the onions out of the pot and leave the rest for everyone else. But that would be a bad idea. Still, it’s tempting.

A quick tip: if your meat is tough, that does not mean it’s overcooked–it actually means it hasn’t been cooked long enough. The longer you cook it, the more of that connective tissue will break down, which is precisely why tough cuts of meat like this are always slow-cooked. I lived through many a tough pot roast, cooking them for less and less time, until I finally figured out I was going in the wrong direction.

But the onions were always good!

Happy Eating!

The GFCF Lady’s Pot Roast

2-3 lb. beef roast
1 TBS celery salt
1 TBS parsley
1 TBS chives
2 cups Pacific Foods beef broth
2 onions
1 cup carrots

Let’s make some tacos! You have three options for the wrapper: a 100% corn crunchy shell, a 100% corn soft tortilla, or… these crazy things. They’re corn tortillas, but they’re from “sprouted corn.” Basically it means they grind the corn up later in the growth process, so the plant is more mature and it’s had longer to build up more nutrients. I dunno, we like them mostly because the texture is much thicker and chewier, like a flour tortilla, rather than those translucent corn tortillas that tear if you look at them funny. Plus, the GFCFHusband says normal corn tortillas taste like lard and he hates them.

Anyway, they’re in the freezer section of our health-food store. You can either microwave them, or go all fancy and toast them in a dry pan on the stove, whatever floats your boat.

Shred some cooked chicken, or brown some ground beef if you swing that way. If you season the meat, don’t use those pre-made “taco seasoning” packets, because they’re always full of gluten. You can easily put the spices together yourself–those things are basically just cumin, chili powder, maybe a little onion powder, and salt. My chicken up there? Totally unseasoned. This was a lazy, lazy night for me as I recall.

This fabulous stuff is mango pico de gallo (pico de gallo is just finely diced tomato, onion, cilantro, and jalapeno pepper, for you people who don’t live within spitting distance of the Mexican border.) It’s not hard to make, but it is a little time-consuming to chop everything up, so I’ll confess I usually buy it pre-made at our grocery store. Plain old diced tomato would work just fine too.

Sprinkle on some lettuce and you’re good to go! What these tacos really need is some avocado, but alas, I didn’t have any this night. That is a surprisingly rare occurrence, I should tell you. I almost always have guacamole in the house. You could also add refried beans, black beans, or mexican rice to bulk them up a bit, if you wanted.

Happy Eating!

Tacos

100% corn tortillas or tostadas
Shredded chicken or ground beef
(Season to taste with cumin, chili powder, onion powder, and salt)

Toppings:
Tomato
Lettuce
Avocado
Beans

Simple is best, y’all. Simple is best. Add about a Tablespoon of Lea & Perrin’s worcestershire sauce to a pound of lean ground beef. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change their formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

Divide into equal balls, and smoosh them right in the pan. If you believe it’s sacrilege to cook burgers on the stove instead of on a grill, I cordially invite you to come stand on my back porch in the 90% humidity, when it’s still 95 degrees even after the sun’s gone down, and count the number of mosquitos that bite you before you come around to my way of thinking.

Are there recipes for making your own GF hamburger buns out there? Sure. And maybe someday I’ll work up the energy to experiment with them. But I figure I do so much cooking and baking as it is, I allow myself to splurge on some of the basics that do have commercially-premade versions available. I’ve honestly found that the amount of money I save by no longer buying dairy products far outweighs the extra cost of a few GF hamburger buns. Cheese is expensive! Anyway, Gillian’s is our favorite brand. Whole Foods carries them, in a little freezer case next to the bakery. The texture is more like a biscuit than a typical hamburger bun, but for what it’s worth it’s a darn good biscuit. These are also especially useful if only some members of the household are eating GFCF, or if you’re trying to host non-GFCF guests at a cookout, because you can just heat up one at a time as you need. Just remember, if you toast your buns, never do it in the same pan or grill that you toasted the gluten buns on!

The burgers ought to be done after about 7 minutes per side over medium heat, but to be honest I never really pay that close attention. I just busy myself with pulling out all the fixings, slicing the tomato, warming up the buns and cutting them in half… and round about the time I’m finished the burgers are too. Do pay attention to your brands, as there are unsafe versions of all of these condiments. If you’re one of those heathens who puts mayonnaise on burgers, go for Hellman’s. It’s not pictured here because I’ve raised my children right, you see.

And if you just can’t have a burger without cheese, you can always go for rice cheese slices. I wouldn’t, but you (and the GFCF Husband) certainly could.

Happy Eating!

Hamburgers

1 lb. lean ground beef
1 TBS Lea & Perrin’s worcestershire sauce
1 pkg. Gillian’s GF French rolls
Heinz ketchup
French’s mustard
Hellman’s mayonnaise
Vlasic pickles
tomato
lettuce
onion

I had been pondering this thing for some time, wondering if it could really be as cool as people said it was. I was finally pushed into action when my cousin Stacey revealed it was her new favorite food. (Strictly speaking, she’s my cousin’s wife, but I’ve never heard of a cousin-in-law, have you?) Stacey doesn’t cook GFCF, but she works really hard to make sure her family eats lean, unprocessed foods, which is probably 75% of this diet when you get right down to it. And boy am I glad I listened to her!

Prep it just the way you would any other kind of squash: cut it in half lengthwise and scoop out the seeds. There are several different ways you can cook these things, but it should not surprise you to hear I go for the quick and easy way out, every time. The microwave only has a bad reputation because people put deplorable things inside it and try to pass them off as food. It’s a perfectly legitimate way to cook healthy food too. So put one half of the squash on a plate, with 1/4 cup water poured around the base.

Cover with plastic wrap, and microwave on HIGH for 10 minutes.

Now here comes the magic. Start gently scraping down the length of the squash with a fork, and the whole thing will just fall apart into these strands that look like… spaghetti!

Stand it upright in a bowl while you’re scraping, and you don’t even have to hold it with your other hand. Which is good, because this sucker is hot. If you want, cook your second squash half while you’re doing this, or if you don’t need that much food right now, just wrap it up tightly and stick it in the fridge for up to a week or so.

Keep scraping until the whole thing is hollowed out, then just toss the skin.

At this point it’s as good as cooked pasta, and there are a ton of things you can do with it. For now, we’re going with the most basic: plain old GFCF spaghetti sauce. I’m a fan of all the Classico flavors, I just get whichever one strikes my fancy when I’m at the store. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change their formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

I use one whole jar with one whole squash, but I find it’s helpful to pour in about half of the sauce first, and stir gently with a fork to really get all the strands separated and coated evenly with sauce.

Also, you can brown about 1/2 lb. of ground beef if your family prefers a meaty sauce.

Okay, here comes the rest of the sauce, like I promised.

And voila! Now listen, you’re not going to fool anyone into believing this is real spaghetti. It’s got this faint little crispness to it that is not quite like soggy wheat pasta. But if you’re already having to force pasta substitutes on your kids, I guarantee you they will not know this one is a vegetable. There is absolutely no squash flavor to explain away; it’s extremely mild. Just tell them it’s a special rice pasta that’s better than all those other mushy rice pastas, or some entirely new pasta that’s made from a unique blend of gluten-free flours and unicorn dust. Either way, they will devour it and beg for more.

Happy Eating!

Spaghetti Squash Marinara

1 spaghetti squash
1 jar Classico red pasta sauce, any flavor
1/2 lb. ground beef

What was I saying? Oh yes: meat. A basic, well-seasoned piece of meat is such a rarity these days, people will think you’re some sort of brilliant gourmet for serving it, and marvel at your minimalist elegance. This here is about 2 pounds of beef brisket, with a dry rub of spices pressed into it. What spices you ask? Well, it’s brown sugar, paprika, chili powder, salt, and pepper. 2 Tablespoons each. What I like to do is mix all the spices on the surface of a large plate, and then just lay the meat down on the plate on all sides. I really should have gotten a picture of this, I know, but my hands were all covered in meat juice, and then one of the kids needed something, and somehow I got distracted and forgot.

Anyway, if you’ve got the time to let your meat sit with the spice rub for a few hours, great; if not, don’t sweat it. When you’re ready, place the brisket in a dutch oven or crock pot (but really, a dutch oven is better. I won’t quibble about the color, they have red and brown, too, if for some strange reason you don’t agree with me that my blue one is the most beautiful thing ever. The important thing is that enamel surface on the inside.) Make sure you lay the meat fat side up.

Pour in about 1 1/2 cups of Pacific Foods beef broth. [As always, my brands were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without notice. Always check your labels.] If necessary, add some water to the pot until the liquid is at least an inch deep, and make sure to lift the edges of the meat a bit so it can flow underneath. Then just put the lid on and stick it in a 325 degree oven for 3-4 hours (or set your crock pot to high for that amount of time, if you insist on doing it that way.)

Man, I wish I could tell you how good my house smells right now. When it’s time for dinner, just drench the top of your meat in Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce. There are other GFCF barbecue sauces available too, but as a Texan, I have to tell you: this stuff is the real deal. If it’s available in your area, this is the product you want.

See? That is some fine barbecue brisket right there. Serve this with smashed potato salad, and you’ll have a positively mouth-watering meal that no one will even suspect is GFCF.

Happy Eating!

Brisket

2 TBS brown sugar
2 TBS McCormick’s paprika
2 TBS McCormick’s chili powder
2 TBS salt
2 TBS pepper
1-2 lbs. beef brisket
1 1/2 cups Pacific Foods beef broth
1 cup Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce