You see where I’m going with this, no doubt. The first step in this ridiculously easy recipe is to pit about 30 dates. Just slice downward, and pry the pit out with the tip of your knife.

Next, cram in some slivered almonds. Some people prefer to use a single whole almond, but I find them harder to eat that way myself. There’s not an exact number of slivers to use, just make sure you can still squeeze the date closed around them again. The sticky edges should hold together on their own, as if no one had ever cut it open to begin with.

Next, cut a package of Hormel Natural Choice bacon into thirds. Lots of bacon isn’t gluten-free, so be careful. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

Then wrap a third of a strip of bacon around each stuffed date. Make sure the ends overlap enough to stay wrapped, you may need to stretch the bacon pieces just a bit if they’re really cold.

Place them with the seams facing down in a glass baking dish, and pop them into a 350-degree oven for about 30-35 minutes. The result is so delicious, and will look very fancy indeed — which is a polite way of saying that you’ll be a good liar too.

Happy Eating!

Bacon-wrapped Dates

30 dates
1/2 cup slivered almonds
12 oz. pkg Hormel Natural Choice GF bacon

My daughter’s class is making and decorating gingerbread men today. No big deal, just send in a GF man-shaped cookie for her, right? Except in addition to being GFCF, we currently have the kids on a strict sugar-free diet as well, including artificial sweeteners. No frosting face, no candy buttons.

I didn’t stress though, because I’ve done this before. (Many times. It seems every teacher must do a gingerbread man unit, every year. I’m apprehensively awaiting the Great Convergence, wherein some teacher will attempt a simultaneous Gingerbread-Flat-Stanley unit, and accidentally open a wormhole into another dimension where educational topics are never repeated… but I digress.) Here’s the kit I sent with her to school:

Of course you can see the almond-flour cookie cut into the shape of a little man. I didn’t bother adding ginger to the recipe or anything, because let’s be honest, cookies are cookies and kids don’t give a damn. I carved the shape out by hand with a sharp wet knife when it was fresh out of the oven, but a wet cookie cutter would probably work well too. Don’t bother cutting before baking though, only after, because almond flour spreads a lot in the oven and you’ll end up with a blobby Michelin Man cookie at best.

Now, up in the top left you can see a little cup of homemade frosting. This is a very simple recipe, I just mix Spectrum Organic shortening and honey in equal amounts. The result is only a little sweet, more like honey butter than the traditional send-you-into-a-diabetic-coma kind of frosting. But it’s spreadable, and tastes good enough to pass the ultimate test: I have decorated a cake with it and served it to a class of neurotypical peers, and they ate every bite.

On the left are two honey candies, made of 100% honey. These are our go-to candy substitutes for any occasion. (They’re also available in bulk if you want to save a little on shipping.)

And finally, two more souffle cups with a few peas and blueberries, for eyes and additional decoration as necessary. Who cares if it’s weird to put peas on a cookie? It’s colorful, and my daughter loves them, and that’s all I care about. By the way, I get the tiny souffle cups at a local restaurant supply store. They have an infinite number of uses.

Happy Eating!

The thing about eggplant is, it really has almost no flavor at all, which makes it a perfect vehicle for sauces and other such accoutrements. So first, slice it up into giant rounds about half an inch thick.

Now let’s prepare a quick and easy marinade for it. Start with 2 Tablespoons of balsamic vinegar. It should be naturally gluten free, but do double-check the label and make sure it’s not some kind of “balsamic-flavored” poser. Above all, the word “malt” shouldn’t be anywhere on it.

Add in 3 Tablespoons of olive oil…

…And 2 cloves of minced garlic. Yes, I’m lazy and used this stuff in a jar. Don’t tell your grandmother.

Now add just one pinch each of basil, dill, oregano, and thyme. This technically translates to 1/16 of a teaspoon, if you are super neurotic about your measurements, but seriously, just reach in and pinch some with your fingertips, you’ll get the right amount.

Mix it all thoroughly, and brush it over the tops of your eggplant, placed on a rack over a foil-lined pan. Broil or grill them for about 12 to 15 minutes, turning once (and brushing marinade on the other side when you do.)

What comes out is tangy and sweet and nothing like a vegetable. If your kids like pickles, they will love these grilled eggplant slices too. Especially if you call them crazy apple slices.

Happy Eating!

Grilled Eggplant

1 medium eggplant
2 TBS balsamic vinegar
3 TBS olive oil
2 cloves minced garlic
1 pinch each basil, dill, oregano, and thyme

Pork chops! Ah, I slay me. 

What we’re going to do is make a delicious glaze for these pork chops, and bake them in the oven. So we’ll start with 1/4 cup of apricot jelly. (Can jelly contain gluten? Sadly, in rare instances, it can. All varieties of Smuckers are also gluten-free, if you don’t want to go with my fancy organic Cascadian Farm.) [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

 It’s too thick for a glaze though, so we’ll thin it out with 1/4 cup of water.

Now, add 1 teaspoon of McCormick curry powder. The brand is important here too, as many curries (and other spice blends) have flour added to help prevent clumping.

Also toss in 1/4 teaspoon of salt…

And 1/4 teaspoon of garlic powder.

Mix it up, brush it on, and bake your pork chops uncovered for 1 hour at 375 degrees.

Done! So easy! Take a bow, and enjoy the accolades. Maybe they’ll even give you a star someday on the Hollywood Wok of Flame. (Yes, my lack of a comedy career can only be ascribed to the blatant nepotism in the industry, I’m sure.)

Happy Eating!

Curried Pork Chops

4 pork chops
1/4 cup Cascadian Farm apricot jelly
1/4 cup water
1 tsp McCormick curry
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp garlic powder

And like its lettuce-based cousin, Regular Salad, the best part about chicken salad is that it’s so flexible. Just a couple of base ingredients, and beyond that you can add practically anything. Today, it shall be sweet!

Base ingredient number one is chicken, of course. Can’t really negotiate on that one. I had to boil my two chicken breasts real quick, since I wasn’t even pretending to be using up leftover ingredients with this batch, but perhaps you’ll already have some shredded chicken ready to go.

Base ingredient number two is celery. Actually I know people who make chicken salad without celery, but they are blasphemers. As for me and my house, we will serve it with celery. Two stalks, specifically, cut lengthwise and diced.

And suddenly, we veer off into the land of creativity. Dice up one pear and throw it in there like it’s no big thing.

Ooh, and a handful of dried cranberries! That’ll be super tasty.

Back to basics for a second: 1 cup of Hellman’s mayonnaise. [As always, the brands that I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change recipes without warning. Always check your labels!]

Add 1 Tablespoon of lemon juice, also pretty standard in the chicken salad pantheon.

And one last unexpected hurrah, half a cup of Boar’s Head honey mustard. This one is on the sweeter side as far as honey mustards go, but feel free to experiment with one that’s more tangy. Just let the creative juices flow.

Stir everything together, and eat it straight out of the bowl! I mean, uh, refrigerate for later. Yeah.

Happy Eating!

Sweet Chicken Salad

2 chicken breasts, shredded
2 stalks celery
1 pear
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1 cup Hellman’s mayonnaise
1 TBS lemon juice
1/2 cup Boar’s Head honey mustard

Can I still call myself the missus, if I’m the one who made them? Just think of it as the Texan version of the royal We. Anyway, it’s always a good idea to spread your dried beans out on a kitchen towel and pick them over first, just looking for any shriveled beans or tiny rocks that may have slipped in. Then soak them overnight in a pitcher, more basic bean procedure. Make sure you put in enough water, because those suckers are going to at least double in size.

The next afternoon, put the beans in a large heavy pot, and cover them with 2 cups of fresh water, plus 2 cups of gluten-free chicken broth. Pacific Foods is one national brand, but there are others. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

While the heat is rising, dice up one onion, and 2 slices of bacon, and toss those in the pot as well. I didn’t take a picture of the bacon because, well, no one likes bacon grease on their camera, even if it’s gluten-free bacon.

Then add 1 teaspoon of salt, and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper. DO NOT pay attention to the markings on my measuring spoons in the photo, I was very tired (that whole life-being-lifey thing) and was doing my math wrong. I figured out my error right away, but forgot to retake the pictures. Just trust me, it’s 1 teaspoon of salt, and 1/2 teaspoon of pepper.

Then add 1/4 teaspoon of cumin (yes, this time it’s really 1/4 teaspoon)…

…and 1/4 teaspoon of chili powder. This is actually chipotle chili powder, because that’s how I roll.

Put the lid on, and simmer on the stove for 2-3 hours. I prefer them at 3, to be honest, but I like my beans really well-cooked. This works great as a side dish for tacos, tacos, more tacos, or even Stuffed Red Peppers, but to be honest, half the time I find myself chowing down on them just as they are.

Happy Eating!

Cowboy Pinto Beans

1 lb. (16 oz.) package of dried pinto beans
2 cups water
2 cups GF chicken broth
1 onion
2 slices GF bacon
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp chili powder

Which works out nicely for those of us who are lazy and want to pass it off as culinary brilliance.

For this simple — I mean, ah, brilliant — shrimp cocktail, we begin with un avocado. If you want to see how to properly pit and cut up an avocado, see here.

Also, el tomato.

Then add about 3/4 cup of cooked shrimp. I used this package of tiny salad camarones, but full-size ones are cool too, especially if you cook them yourself in a pan to give them those little char marks. Top Chef Masters looove the char marks.

Finally, 2 teaspoons of lime juice. Stir it in gently or you’ll mash the avocado, which would make this more like shrimp guacamole.

Now, the typical way to serve this sort of thing is with tortilla chips (100% corn, of course,) but if you want to be super, super classy, serve it on thin rounds of cucumber. All of a sudden you’re not serving a dip anymore, but authentic tapas.

Feliz comiendo!

Mexican Shrimp Cocktail

1 avocado
1 tomato
3/4 cup cooked shrimp
2 tsp lime juice
tortilla chips (optional)
cucumber (optional)

But there’s more to this dish than just golden raisins, oh indeed! First, dice up an onion, and sautee it in some olive oil until it’s translucent. You’ll want to do this in a large oven-proof pot with a lid.

Next, stir in 1 teaspoon of paprika, 1 teaspoon of cumin, and 1/8 teaspoon of cayenne pepper. You may want to start with even less if your kids are sensitive to spice, it’s not overwhelming but a little cayenne pepper goes a long way.

As soon as the spices have been spread around with the onions, pour in 1 cup of dry, uncooked rice. Stir rapidly until all the remaining oil and liquid from the onions has been absorbed.

Pour in 2 cups of gluten-free chicken broth, such as Pacific Foods. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

And of course the magic ingredient, 1/4 cup of golden raisins. Make sure your raisins are sticky, by the way. Every once in awhile, a manufacturer will try to be “helpful” by tossing their raisins with flour so that they’re easier to pluck apart and eat with your fingers. So very helpful, those food manufacturers.

Bring everything to a low boil, cover tightly, and bake in a 350 degree oven for 18-20 minutes, until the rice has absorbed all the liquid.

Just before serving, gently fold in 1/4 cup of toasted almond slices. (To toast any kind of nuts, just cook them in the microwave for about 2-3 minutes, stirring once a minute and keeping a nose out for that toasty smell and crunchy texture.)

And there you have it!  Look how plump those raisins got. It’s not fried rice like my original inspiration, after all, but that just means it’s healthier for you. And healthy never tasted as good as this.

Happy Eating!

Moroccan Rice

1 medium onion
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp cumin
1/8 tsp cayenne pepper
1 cup dry basmati rice
2 cups Pacific Foods chicken broth
1/4 cup golden raisins
1/4 cup sliced almonds

Not the prettiest vegetable around, to be sure, though the color is pretty cool. So first let’s improve the look by scrubbing them clean and cutting off the ugly ends.

You now have a choice to make: peel before cooking, or after? Peeling before is a fair amount of work; peeling after is very easy, but very messy. I always choose after, but I can wait if you want to get out your vegetable peeler and have a go at it.

Place your roughly-chopped pieces on a layer of foil on a baking sheet, and toss them with a little olive oil.

Lay another piece of foil on top, and fold the edges up like a little boat. This will hopefully prevent any beet juices from leaking onto your pan, because those are kind of a pain to clean up. There is a reason beet juice was one of the very first clothing dyes ever used. It is bright and it is strong.

Roast them for about an hour at 350 degrees. They’re done when a fork pokes in easily.

Now, if you still need to peel them, let them sit until they’re cool enough to handle, then pick up a piece and just slide the peel off with your hand. You don’t want to be picking at it with your fingertips, it’s more like you wipe it off with all your fingers at once, pressing downward and dragging at it. You can wear plastic gloves to keep your hands clean, or display your red-stained fingers with pride, as if to say, “Yeah, my family eats beets. What of it?”

One more thing to note. There’s no polite way to say this… but for some people, eating even a moderate amount of beets can make their pee turn bright red. It’s not a big deal. Don’t panic. Though it might be a good idea to warn any caregivers ahead of time. I’m just sayin’.

Happy Beeting!

1.) Apparently, if you have the word “organic” in your product, you must put it in a scripty font.

2.) Chervil is in the parsley family, and is for all intents and purposes the same thing. McCormick still sees fit to differentiate between the two products, which is fine because they’re a spice company and nuance is what they do. But for some reason, my grocery store has recently decided they will only stock chervil, and not parsley. I find this to be, well, a little snooty. So when I bought this mislabeled bottle of parsley, you can see that I corrected the name on the bottle, and alphabetized it in the P section where it belongs.

(Don’t look at me like that. I admitted long ago that my spice drawer is alphabetized.)

This big hunk of meat was left out of the previous picture because it was too large, and rather an obvious cast member anyway. Season the meat with a little salt and pepper on each side, and meanwhile heat up your dutch oven (or other large oven-safe pot) with a little olive oil. When it’s nice and hot, sear both sides of the roast for about a minute.

Set the meat aside on a plate, and pour in 3 Tablespoons of red wine vinegar to deglaze the pan (which is a fancy word for ‘get that brown stuff off the bottom.’) You can also use balsamic vinegar if you happen to have that instead — but either way, be sure that your bottle is 100% pure, and not some kind of “flavored” malt vinegar which might contain gluten.

Put the meat back in, along with three sliced onions and a 10-ounce package of mushrooms. Mine were kind of big, so I quartered them.

Now, measure out 1 cup of gluten-free chicken broth — Pacific Foods is one nationally-available brand. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change recipes without warning. Always check your labels!]

Show off your brute strength by squeezing out all the juice from one fresh orange, and then add that to the chicken broth.

Mix in an 8-ounce can of tomato sauce, and then pour the whole shebang around the pot. Pretty much any brand of plain tomato sauce should be fine, but please note that Contadina “Italian Seasonings” tomato sauce is NOT gluten-free. (And this officially makes them jerks, in my humble opinion.)

Sprinkle on 1 Tablespoon of parsley…

…And 1/4 teaspoon of McCormick Allspice. Since this is a spice blend, some cheaper brands try to cut it with flour to prevent clumping, so be careful.

Put the lid on, and cook in a 350 degree oven for 2 hours. What comes out will be an amazing roast, the likes of which you’ve never seen. Well, except for the first time, when you just saw it in this picture here.

Happy Eating!

Orange Mushroom Chuck Roast

2-3 pound beef chuck roast
3 TBS red wine vinegar
3 onions
10-ounce package of mushrooms
1 cup GF chicken broth
1 orange
1/4 cup tomato sauce (NOT Contadina Italian flavor)
1 TBS parsley
1/4 tsp McCormick allspice