See, it’s all about balance. Glutino, for example, can do the work of making these incredibly good gluten-free pretzels, and I will do the work of opening the bag. Sounds fair to me. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

The nice thing is, this recipe (which was originally given to me by my mother-in-law back in the Pre-GF Era) always called for a crushed-pretzel crust, so it was really pretty simple to convert once I decided to revisit it. A wide, flat crushing tool will be the most effective, but you could also enlist a child with a mallet if you happen to have one of those tugging at your sleeve.

Ultimately you want to end up with 1 1/2 cups (measured in its crushed state.) Then add in 2/3 cup of Spectrum shortening, which is kind of like a whipped butter substitute if you’ve never worked with it before. You can also use melted dairy-free margarine if you would rather, but shortening is one of those old-school ingredients grandma used to bake with, and there’s a reason. It adds a fluffiness to baked goods that just can’t be beat.

Add in 2 Tablespoons of sugar, and mix everything thoroughly with a fork until the shortening is evenly spread through.

The result will be kind of like a crumbly cookie dough, which you will then press into the bottom of a greased 9 x 13 baking dish. Wet your hand with water occasionally while you’re doing this, otherwise it will want to stick to your fingers instead of staying down in the dish where it belongs. Bake it for 10 minutes in the oven at 350 degrees, then take it out and allow it to cool completely while you’re working on the rest of the dessert.

Speaking of which, here is step one of the rest of the dessert. This is a 10-ounce bag of frozen strawberries that I have allowed to thaw, and then poured off the extra liquid into a measuring cup. You want to use frozen strawberries for this exact reason, even though you’re going to bring them back to room temperature, because the freezing breaks down the inner cellular structure so they do release all this lovely strawberry juice, and are softer in the final product.

Add water to the measuring cup until it reaches the 2 cup mark, then pour it all into a large bowl.

Sprinkle the contents of two gelatin packets over the surface of the liquid. You can buy plain gelatin packets in the baking aisle of any grocery store, and it is way cheaper and way healthier compared to buying that little box of chemicals that rhymes with yellow.

Now, measure out another 2 cups of some sort of strawberry-based fruit juice. Strictly speaking, it doesn’t even really have to contain any strawberry, something like a white grape juice would still be overwhelmed by the flavor of the strawberries and strawberry juice we’ve already put in the bowl. Heck, this “strawberry kiwi” juice I’m using is mostly apple juice itself. So use whatever you want.

Microwave the 2 cups of fruit juice until it’s lightly boiling, about 2-3 minutes, and then pour it into your bowl and stir immediately until the gelatin is completely dissolved.

In another bowl, whip up one refrigerated container of MimicCreme Healthy Top (also known as the most unbelievable dairy-free soy-free whipped cream substitute I’ve ever come across.) You also could have done this part earlier while you were waiting for your crust to bake, if you wanted to be more efficient about the whole thing.

Glob large spoonfuls all over the pretzel crust…

…and smear it out into a smooth layer with the back of a spoon, all the way to the edges of the dish. It’s important to really get it smeared across the edge of the glass, because this needs to form an airtight seal.

Spoon your strawberries on top (I know, they look pretty wilted and sad. But it’s okay because we’re going to cover them up.)

Then carefully pour your giant bowl of not-yet-solid gelatin over the top. You may need to squash a few of the larger strawberries down so they’re all submerged. If you left any gaps between the whipped topping and the glass, this is the point where your liquid will slowly seep down to the bottom, and everything else will float unevenly to the top. The end result will be just as tasty, but very jumbled and messy-looking. Look closely: if you see any large bubbles coming up after you pour on your gelatin, stick your finger in there and smear the whipped topping to close the gap. No bubbles = no problem.

Refrigerate the whole thing for a couple hours, until the gelatin is solid. This is a great dish to bring to a potluck dinner, by the way. It’s quick and easy to make, serves a lot of people, and no one will ever suspect that it’s one of those weird GFCF things you make your poor family eat.

Happy Eating!

(Not really) Jello Pie

1 1/2 cup crushed Glutino pretzels
2/3 cup Spectrum shortening
2 TBS sugar
10-oz package frozen strawberries
2 cups strawberry kiwi fruit juice
2 packets plain gelatin
1 container MimicCreme whip cream substitute

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The newer you are to this diet, the luckier you are, because more and more high-quality items are coming out on the market every day. And this one is mind-blowing, there’s just no other description for it. Dairy-free, soy-free, whipping cream, that tastes and feels just like the real thing. For really reals, y’all. It’s called Healthy Top, by a company called MimicCreme.  I don’t know that I’d call it “healthy,” to be honest. It is a processed food, and does contain some thickeners and emulsifiers. But it has no artificial dyes, flavors, or sweeteners, and more importantly it contains not a speck of dairy.

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Seriously, you have to try it to believe it. Add a little more sugar and you could frost cupcakes with this stuff, it’s so thick and creamy. How they made this with cashews and almonds, I’ll never know. Anyway, get one box really cold like the instructions say, whip it up, and put it back in the fridge until you’re ready for it. Or, you know, save this step for last, if you want to be all efficient about it.

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Next, pudding. Crack two eggs into a small pot on the stove.

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Pour in 2 cups of the milk substitute of your choice.

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Add 1/3 cup of sugar…

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…and 1/4 teaspoon of Adam’s Extract vanilla. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!] I use this powdered version, but the Adam’s Extract liquid is also fine. The reason you have to check your vanilla extracts is because they’re suspended in alcohol, which could be malted from barley, which would mean gluten. It’s a complicated world we live in.

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What you have in your pot right now is (or will be soon) vanilla pudding. You now have a critical decision to make. Are you truly going to make banana pudding, or are you going to layer slices of banana with vanilla pudding? Different people like it different ways. I’m pureeing the bananas for real banana pudding, so you can look carefully at the final product and decide if it’s the way you want to go or not, because fresh banana pudding doesn’t quite look like the boxed junk you are used to seeing. So that’s three bananas, blended with just a splash of almond milk to thin it out.

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Here it is, pouring into the pot.

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Cook the pudding just until it starts to boil, stirring frequently. Remove the pot from the heat and allow it to cool, then refrigerate for 20-40 minutes, until it’s set.

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Er… hopefully your fridge has more space than mine.

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But what, you may ask, can you substitute for vanilla wafers? Well, these ladyfinger cookies from Shabtai Gourmet are an excellent facsimile thereof. In general everything they offer is superb. They are a bit on the expensive side, as all gluten-free products tend to be. But for the right occasion, I indulge, because I firmly believe that taking care of myself has to be a priority if I’m going to be in any shape to take care of my kids. Most of their items freeze very well, so you can use the flat-rate shipping and buy in advance. (Unsolicited tip: the Raspberry Roll? Holy cow. Just… dang.)

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You will now start to see why all-natural banana pudding may not be your cup of tea. Real fruit oxidizes, and pureed fruit oxidizes faster than whole fruit, because more of it is exposed to the air. It has not gone bad by any means, but it is going to first get khaki-colored like this, and then almost kind of purply-gray if many hours pass before you eat it. Flavor will be unaffected, but not everyone wants to eat purplish banana pudding. On the other hand, some kids are more affected by texture than color, and won’t appreciate banana slices hiding in their dessert like slimy round ninjas. It’s up to you.

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Layer cookies, pudding, (bananas,) cookies, then whipped cream in a 9 x 13 dish.

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Spread your whipped cream globs into a smooth layer with the back of a spoon. One box makes 4 cups of whipped cream, so it will be a pretty thick layer if you use all of it. You could always make more pudding. And then if you don’t have enough whipped cream to cover the second batch of pudding, you could make more whipped cream, and…

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Happy Eating!

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GFCF Banana Pudding

2 eggs
2 cups almond milk
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
3 bananas (plus a splash of almond milk if pureed)
1 box Healthy Top whippable cream
1-2 packages Shabtai lady fingers

On the one hand, I would say this is not a cookbook for beginners. This is the one you’ll want to have around when you’re ready to really show off your mad skillz. Say, when all this hard work you’re doing finally pays off, and your formerly-autistic, recently-engaged child wants you to bake them a GFCF Champagne-Cointreau Chiffon wedding cake. (I’ve got that page bookmarked, myself.) But on the other hand, the whole first half of the book is an incredibly detailed breakdown of how to get started on the diet, including a whopping 34-page shopping guide. So I sure could have used it back in the early days, too. C’est la vie.

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The thing is, being a European, Chef Braux gives all the ingredients by weight. Fortunately, I speak French-measurements (as opposed to actual French, which I definitely do not speak,) and have translated for you here. Start with 2 cans of Thai Kitchen coconut milk. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

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I do actually own a little kitchen scale, for occasions such as this. All the recipes in this cookbook are in American ounces, but if you’re going to bother getting a scale, it’s important to choose one that can convert to metric (grams) as well. The truth is, weight is often a better way to do things, especially when baking. First off, you can fit up to 50% more or less flour into a “cup,” depending on how much you pack it down; what’s more, different flours have different densities, so if you substitute one GF flour for another you’ll end up with a completely different result — unless you use the same number of ounces, rather than the same size. But for things like sugar… meh. The recipe called for 12 ounces…

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…which ended up being exactly 2 cups of sugar. Go figure.

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Next, we’re going to mix in some shredded coconut. The more familiar bags of wet coconut that you find in the baking aisle should be gluten-free, but they’re also packed with preservatives. I prefer this stuff, but whatever floats your boat.

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Important lesson here: the recipe called for 4 ounces of coconut, or 1/3 the weight of the sugar. But because coconut is so much lighter, this ended up being a little over 1 cup of shredded coconut, or more than half as much quantity as the sugar. You definitely can’t switch back and forth between weight and size on an even ratio.

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Anyway, dump your coconut into your bowl, and add 1/4 teaspoon of salt.

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Also mix in 2 teaspoons of Adam’s Extract vanilla. Vanilla is one of those sneaky things that can often contain gluten, but Adam’s Extract is gluten-free in both liquid and powder form.

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Scramble six eggs and blend them thoroughly into your custard batter, making sure there are no random yellow streaks left floating around in there.

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Now, a proper gourmet chef would use ramekins to cook their individual servings of custard. But if I have taught you anything, it is that I am not a gourmet chef, and most of the time I’m not even proper. So instead I am using these silicone baking cups, which happen to be heart-shaped for added cuteness. They’re great for muffins and jello too, by the way.

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Set them inside a large baking dish with sides, and fill each cup with batter.

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Then carefully pour water into the baking dish, until it comes halfway up the sides of the custard cups. This will ensure an even temperature around your delicate little desserts. Pop them in a 350 degree oven for about 30-40 minutes, until the tops feel somewhat firm and the center is no longer jiggly. The larger your baking cups, the longer it will take to cook.

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While that’s cooking, we’re going to make a delicious fruit sauce to go on top, which I’m told is a coulis in French. The recipe suggested raspberries, but I didn’t have any, so strawberries it shall be. Thaw about 1/2 cup of whatever fruit you want for one minute in the microwave (or use fresh fruit, and use the extra minute to feel smug about it.)

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Then add 1/4 cup powdered sugar. Watch your ingredients carefully here! Sugar doesn’t actually come in “powder” form, instead they take cane juice and add it to an existing powder base. Usually it’s corn starch, but it can often include regular flour as well, so double check. The best ones will use tapioca starch instead.

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Add 1/4 teaspoon of lemon juice to the mixture…

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And blend away! It’s hard to do such a small quantity in a regular blender, but a food processor or immersion blender will get the job done.

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When your coconut custards come out of the oven, refrigerate them until you’re ready to serve, at least an hour or two. Drizzle some of your strawberry coulis on top, and revel in your gourmet skills. Heck, I might even buy myself a tall white hat.

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Bon Appetit!

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Coconut Custard with Strawberry Sauce

2 cans Thai Kitchen coconut milk
2 cups sugar
1 cup shredded coconut
1/4 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla extract
6 eggs

1/2 cup strawberries
1/4 cup GF powdered sugar
1/4 tsp lemon juice

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Plus, there’s so much less room for error this way. I mean come on, the crust is only five ingredients! With other recipes you might have to blend five flours before you even start with the other ingredients. But here, all we need is 1 1/2 cups of Honeyville almond flour. This crust recipe comes from The Gluten Free Almond Flour Cookbook, by the way, which is about as accurate a book title as you’re ever going to find.

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Add 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of baking soda, and blend it together evenly with a fork.

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Then pour in 1/4 cup grapeseed oil (or whatever cooking/baking oil you prefer,) and 2 Tablespoons of agave nectar, and mix thoroughly. You could also substitute honey for the agave nectar if you like. There is a taste difference, but it’s hard to notice over the abundant pumpkin flavor.

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Mix everything thoroughly, and there’s your pie crust, in crumbly form! Now you just have to press it in place, kind of like you would with a homemade graham cracker crust, if graham crackers weren’t poison in this new universe you’re living in.

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For the sides of the pie pan, I find it helpful to squeeze a small handful tightly in my palm in order to get a little cohesion going before I try to get it to hold a vertical shape. At any rate, just keep molding it around like playdough until it’s all where it’s supposed to be. (Or like Moon Dough, since playdough contains gluten.)

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In theory you’re supposed to pre-bake this basic crust recipe for 7-10 minutes at 350 degrees, but a pumpkin pie has to cook so long already that I find it isn’t necessary here, and may even result in overcooking your crust. So pre-bake at your own risk. At any rate, it’s time to start making the filling. Start with three eggs in a large bowl.

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Add one 15-ounce can of pumpkin, being sure to chose one that’s plain and not a “pumpkin pie mix” or anything of that nature.

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Mix in 3/4 cup of sugar…

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1 teaspoon of ground ginger, and 1 teaspoon of cinnamon…

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3/4 teaspoon nutmeg, 1/4 teaspoon salt, and just a pinch of ground cloves. Please be very careful if you’re going to attempt to use a pre-blended spice mix, because they will often have flour mixed in to prevent clumping.

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Now pour in 1 1/3 cups of coconut milk. I’m using this random can I got at the Asian market, but Thai Kitchen is a good national brand. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

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Pour the filling into the waiting pie crust. You’ll want to leave the standard half-inch ledge of crust around the top, which may mean you end up with a little extra in the bowl.

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When that happens, I just whip out a mini muffin tin and fill a handful of paper cups with the remaining pie filling. The pie is already going to be cooking, so you can just slide it right underneath in the oven. Think of these little crustless pumpkin pie tarts as your snacking reward for doing all this baking.

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Bake your pie at 375 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes, until the middle is just set. Let it cool for another 15-20 minutes, and you’re ready to triumphantly serve your GFCF masterpiece to the whole family. Along with, of course, your turkey with gravy, mashed potatoes, corn casserole, green bean casserole, and sweet potatoes. Oh, and don’t forget your deviled eggs and spiced walnut appetizers, either. Gosh, that all sounds so good, can I come over to your house?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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GFCF Pumpkin Pie

1 1/2 cups almond flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup grapeseed oil
2 TBS agave nectar (or honey)

3 eggs
1 15-ounce can pumpkin
3/4 cup sugar
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp cinnamon
3/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt
pinch ground cloves
1 1/3 cups coconut milk

But with the return of school comes the return of social events, and parties and extracurriculars can of course be a nightmare for a GFCF parent. Our school has actually put in a complete no-food policy for all class parties, thanks to skyrocketing food allergies, but there are still plenty of other opportunities for disaster. The short answer is always, you bring your own. These days you will very likely find that you are not the only parent having to do so.

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But really, who in their right mind would whip up a whole batch of cupcakes every time you have a birthday party to go to? If you find a parent with that kind of time on their hands, send them over to my house; I’ve got some chores they can do. No, the trick is to make one batch, and cleverly dole them out one at a time as necessary. First, we start with 2 cups of almond flour, and 1/4 cup of tapioca starch.

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(Note that tapioca flour and tapioca starch are the same thing, while potato flour and potato starch are not the same thing. Just another one of those illogical facts you’ve got to memorize.) Now add 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda, and blend together evenly.

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In another bowl, mix your wet ingredients. First, 1/4 cup of grapeseed oil.

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Next, 1/2 cup of agave nectar. You can also use honey instead if you don’t have agave nectar available at your health food store, and you don’t want to order it online.

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And finally, 1/3 cup of unsweetened plain applesauce.

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Pour the wet ingredients into the dry, and mix everything into a sticky batter.

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Glop spoonfuls of the batter into muffin cups, leaving each one about 2/3 full. No need to smooth out the tops, the bumps will melt out in the oven. I’m not sure where I found these cupcake papers that have an outer foil wrapper so they will stand up on their own, but they’re kind of handy if your muffin tin is dirty, or already filled with batter.

Bake your cupcakes at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes, until the tops are golden. Make sure to let them cool completely before trying to pull them out of the muffin tin. Then put them in a Ziplock bag in the freezer for future use. You’ll probably want to taste-test one, though. Or three.

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Fast-forward several weeks or months, when your beloved offspring has been invited to celebrate the longevity of someone else’s beloved offspring. Pull one frozen cupcake out of the freezer, and while it’s thawing (or very gently microwaving up to room temperature, if you’re running behind schedule,) mix up a single serving of icing.

That’s 2 Tablespoons of powdered sugar, 1/2 Tablespoon of grapeseed oil, and 1/4 teaspoon of almond milk. You may notice that this is basically just our standard buttercream frosting recipe, scaled way down. Math is your friend! Granted, the one thing that won’t scale down well from the original recipe is the vanilla. If you’ve got an eyedropper available, feel free to put 6 and 1/4 drops of McCormick vanilla extract in as well. But honestly, it’s gonna taste just fine even if you skip it.

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As you whip everything vigorously with a fork, you will likely end up with this kind of mealy-textured mess. Now is the time to add tiny, tiny smidges of almond milk until you achieve a smooth texture. It shouldn’t be more than 1/4 teaspoon extra. If you go overboard and it gets too runny (or if it was too runny from the start,) sprinkle in more powdered sugar a pinch at a time until it’s right.

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I don’t know what was up with my lighting in this shot, but I promise you my icing was white, not gray. And my cupcake wasn’t burnt to a crisp either. Golden cupcake, white icing, that’s what you should be seeing here. Do not adjust your monitors.

For the record, it is in theory possible to make a full batch of frosting and freeze the cupcakes in an already-decorated state. But there are two potential problems with this approach. One, you will have to freeze them standing upright in a single layer rather than crammed in a plastic baggie, and you may or may not have the freezer space for this. And two, you will not be able to warm up the cupcake you need on the day of the party any faster than thawing at room temperature, because any added heat will make the frosting melt and break down.

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Pop it in a little tupperware container, and you’re ready to go! Don’t feel like you have to be limited to the cake portion of the birthday party, either. Just ask the birthday party hostess what she’ll be serving — chances are 99% it’s either pizza, or hamburgers and hot dogs, and you can easily bring along your own version of those for your child as well. Being GFCF doesn’t mean you have to be left out, not even for a moment.

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Happy Partying!

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Almond Flour Cupcakes

2 cups blanched almond flour
1/4 cup tapioca starch
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup grapeseed oil
1/2 cup agave nectar (or honey)
1/3 cup plain applesauce

Single Serving of Frosting

2 Tbs powdered sugar
1/2 Tbs grapeseed oil
1/4 tsp almond milk, up to 1/4 tsp more

But what is peanut butter, really? It’s peanuts, ground up, with a little extra oil. Grind up those peanuts just a little less, and you have a nut flour instead of a nut butter. So it should be no surprise that what is essentially an almond-butter cookie comes out delicious and moist, just like its peanutty counterpart. The advantages of working with almond flour instead of just buying a jar of almond butter are that it’s cheaper, you can use the almond flour for drier baked goods like pie crusts, and the final product has an authentic “crumb” feel to it while still being moist and chewy.

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When you’re baking with almond flour, there’s simply no better source than The Gluten-Free Almond Flour Cookbook. This one’s got everything from the basics all the way up to the ridiculously-named clafoutis. Most recipes are dairy-free, and the ones that aren’t are very easy to substitute with coconut milk or almond milk. Anyway, this cookie recipe came from that cookbook, in case you hadn’t guessed. Start with 2 1/2 cups of almond flour…

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Then mix in 1/2 teaspoon of pure baking soda, and 1/2 teaspoon of salt.

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I use this powdered vanilla, but the Adam’s Extract liquid vanilla also says gluten-free right on the label. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!] Of course if you’re using liquid, you’ll want to add it to your wet ingredients instead of your dry. Either way, it’s 1 Tablespoon.

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For your wet ingredients, blend together 1/2 cup of grapeseed oil (or another kind of oil, but grapeseed is very healthy…)

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And 1/2 cup of either agave nectar or honey, your choice. I’ve made it both ways. The agave is more expensive, but the honey has a more distinctive flavor that you may or may not want in your final cookies.

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Add your wet ingredients to your dry, and mix together very well.

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Don’t forget to fold in your chocolate chips. Enjoy Life is one brand of GFCF chocolate chips, or you can do what I did here and just chop up a dairy-free organic chocolate bar I happened to get at my local health food store. (They were giving them away as part of a promotion, which is actually what inspired me to make this batch of cookies in the first place.)

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You’re not going to be able to roll this batter into balls with your hands; just glop it onto the cookie sheet with a spoon. The recipe claims you can get 30 cookies out of this batch, but at the size I make them it’s usually more like 12, so adjust your spoonful size as necessary.

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They should melt out flat in the oven, but I usually feel the need to primp them into more of a cookie shape anyway.

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Bake at 350 degrees until golden brown. The recipe calls for 7-10 minutes, but my somewhat gigantic cookies take more like 12-15. Make sure you let them cool completely before removing them from the baking sheet, because they’re extremely soft straight out of the oven. Now if you’ll excuse me, I can’t look at this picture anymore, I have to go make another batch.

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Happy Eating!

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Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 1/2 cups almond flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup grapeseed oil
1/2 cup agave nectar or honey
1 TBS Adam’s Extract vanilla
1/2 cup Enjoy Life chocolate chips

The subject at hand: birthday cakes. Depending on how far along you are in your GFCF journey, you may already be able to whip up a delectable gluten-free cake that your non-GF guests will love. At the very least, anyone can use one of the many decent GFCF baking mixes out there, and it’s my experience that as long as there’s sugary frosting on top, the kids are not going to pay much attention to what’s underneath anyway.

But what if you’ve got extra allergies to contend with, like eggs, nuts, soy — or all of those and more? Or what if you’re still really brand-new to all this, and you’re just not up for baking yet, but you can’t exactly skip your kid’s birthday? Well I say, don’t let The Man tell you what is or is not a birthday cake!

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This, ladies and gentlemen, isn’t just a birthday cake. It’s Better Than Birthday Cake.

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Start with the biggest watermelon you can possibly find. If the only thing you can get in your area are those little “personal” watermelons, you can still do this, but you’re going to need at least three of them. First, cut out a circular slice about two inches wide. Ideally it will be as big around as possible, but will come from slightly off to the side of dead center. This is going to be the base, so make sure it’s nice and level. Watermelon actually trims really easily, just run a sharp knife flat along the surface until it’s evened out.

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Next, cut a very thick slice from the center (that is, from the larger of the two halves you are now working with.) It should be at least 4 inches wide. If you’re using multiple smaller watermelons, this will have to come from the second watermelon. Run a knife vertically around the edge to cut the rind off, and pop the center out.

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It’ll probably come out angular and a little ragged, but again, a sharp knife will carve off any rough edges with the barest of touches.

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Stack your extra tall layer on top of your base, and then repeat the whole process with another smaller section from closer to the end of your watermelon. Go ahead and pry out any seeds that are close to the surface for a little added polish. Speaking of seeds: in a really large watermelon, the seeds may be quite abundant in the middle, and the smaller your rounded layers get, the more “middle” will be showing. I have, on occasion, gotten one of the personal watermelons just for the upper layers, because the middle of my gigantic watermelon looked like a pock-marked war zone.

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As you get close to the end of your watermelon, you may find it’s easier to cut the rind off in sections and sculpt from there, rather than try to cut straight down in a small circle.

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Lay out thin banana slices around the base, and use toothpicks to decorate with whatever small fruits you like on the upper layers. I will warn you, however, that no matter how much you may love strawberries, they just will not look good next to the red watermelon. Trust me, don’t go with the strawberries.

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Now for the best part. Pineapple stars! If you’re extra lucky, starfruit will be in season, and you can just cross-cut a couple of those and be done with it. But us plebians can make do with a pineapple. First, hack off the ends of that beast, and cut the peel down from the sides.

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Don’t worry if you leave a few bits from the rind around the edges. Next, slice your giant cylinder into rounds about a centimeter thick.

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Mark out your star shape with toothpicks to make sure it’s nice and symmetrical before you start cutting. It’s easiest if you do it in two parts: first arrange five toothpicks in an even pentagon surrounding the core, and then add the five outer points to make a triangle coming off each side of the pentagon. Slice off the bits in between and you’re left with a perfect star. Lather, rinse, repeat.

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Attach them to the sides of the cake with a toothpick through the middle, just like you did for the smaller fruits. Then it’s time to sit back and let all the other parents marvel at how creative, and fun, and healthy your kid’s birthday cake is. In fact, you don’t even have to tell them it’s because he’s on a special diet if you don’t want to, because this really is better than birthday cake.

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Happy Eating!

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You can get sweet rice (also sometimes called “sticky rice”) at Asian markets, but to be honest, I’ve never been able to taste the difference, myself. You could make this with any short-grain rice and it would work just fine.

Put one cup of it in your rice cooker, along with 1 and 3/4 cups of water. If you are using sweet rice, they say you should let it soak at room temperature for at least 20 minutes. I usually do, but only because I’m busy getting other stuff ready at the time.

This can of coconut milk was more separated than most. Yuck.

I had to actually dump the whole thing into a separate bowl to get it reincorporated without making a giant mess. But eventually it started looking like coconut milk again.

Now, pour 1/2 cup (or 1/4 of the can) of coconut milk into the rice pot, and set the remainder aside for a minute. Add 1 Tablespoon of brown sugar…

And 1/4 teaspoon of salt. Give everything a good stir, and begin cooking the rice.

Meanwhile, pour the rest of the coconut milk into a small saucepan on the stove.

Add 1/4 cup of sugar. I prefer brown sugar, but it does give the final sauce a slight beige color, so if you think your kids would prefer something frosty white, just use cane sugar instead. Useful tip: if your brown sugar has become hard as a rock in the container, microwave it for 10 seconds at a time, and it will loosen right up.

Also add 1 teaspoon of vanilla. Liquid vanilla extract is one of those things that might have gluten in it, because it’s distilled with alcohol and the manufacturer might use a grain alcohol. So you can hunt down a safe brand, or use this powdered vanilla that says gluten-free right on the bottle. Either way, it’s still one teaspoon.

While the sauce is warming, prepare your mango. I’m using a bag of frozen mango pieces, but you could certainly cut up a fresh mango or two if you want. But did you know that at certain times of the year, frozen fruits and vegetables can actually have more nutrients than fresh? That’s because when you’re buying something like mangos out of season, they’re most likely traveling to your store from a place where they are in season, like South America. The farmers know that the produce is going to take 2-3 weeks to get to its destination, so they pick the fruit early, letting it ripen on the trip over so it’s just right by the time it gets to you. But ripening on a truck is not the same as ripening on the vine; it’s not getting any additional nutrients as it develops, it’s really just dying slowly. If the fruit is destined to be frozen, however, the farmers leave it on the vine until it’s perfectly ripe, then pick it and freeze it immediately. Some nutrients are lost in the freezing process, but not as many as are lost by picking the food so many weeks early. Moral of the story: buying frozen fruits and veggies isn’t unhealthy, and might even be healthier than fresh depending on the food and the time of year. (Canned, however, is never going to be the best option.)

Okay, enough with the nutrition lesson. Let’s get back to our dessert that’s loaded with carbs and sugar, shall we? Whisk your sauce gently with a fork to make sure all the sugar is dissolved. You want the sauce to be warm, but try to avoid boiling it, otherwise all that sugar will start to carmelize.

Because we don’t want the coconut milk to reduce by boiling, we’ll need to thicken it just a bit with 2 teaspoons of corn starch (or potato starch, or arrowroot) dissolved into 1 Tablespoon of water. Once the corn starch is totally dissolved in the water, then it’s safe to add it to the pot without fear of lumps. Make sure to keep stirring as it thickens.

Round about this time, your rice should be done cooking. Gently fold in your mango pieces. (If you started with frozen, you will want them to be thawed before you do this.)

Serve with frosting — er, I mean, coconut sauce drizzled on top. Seriously, this stuff is sweet enough to put you into diabetic shock. But that doesn’t stop me from putting on way more than a drizzle, if you know what I mean. It’s just so delicious! You could also make this with bananas, or even pineapple, if your kids aren’t into mangos.

Happy Eating!

Mango Sweet Rice

1 cup sweet (or short-grain) rice
1 3/4 cups water
1 can coconut milk
1 TBS brown sugar
1/4 tsp salt

1-2 mangos
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
2 tsp cornstarch

Oh, decadence. How long I spent without thee.

Don’t get me wrong, you can make some GFCF cakes and cookies that are passable, even darn passable. But that gooey moistness they always promise me never seemed to materialize, until I finally figured out that I should just quit trying to make these ridiculous gluten-free flours and milk-free milks do things they’re not capable of doing. There are plenty of foods on this planet that fall into the category of gooey, and it turns out that more than a few of them are good for baking.

Like pumpkin, for example!

We’ll still need flour, of course, we’re just taking the goo burden off its shoulders. I make these with amaranth flour, but that’s only because we’re attempting to rotate our flours around here for food sensitivity’s sake. (Before I started adapting it left and right, the original recipe came from The Kid-Friendly ADHD & Autism Cookbook.) Bob’s All-Purpose Flour will work just fine too, or pretty much any other gluten-free flour you have on hand, because the taste won’t be coming through in the end. Truth be told, the amaranth flour goes in this recipe specifically because it’s apparently “yucky” in everything else I bake with it, but they never notice it here.

Right, so! Two cups of GF flour, and 1/2 teaspoon of xanthan gum.

Then 3/4 cup of sugar. Like most of the things I make, that’s just the starting amount. Once the kids acknowledged that they liked them, I started scaling back the sugar with each batch.

2 teaspoons of gluten-free baking powder…

1 teaspoon of cinnamon…

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda…

And 1/2 teaspoon of salt.

Then 8 Tablespoons of potato starch, and it’s finally time to blend all the dry ingredients thoroughly.

Now for the wet ingredients! Add 1/2 cup of canola oil to one 15-ounce can of pumpkin puree. Make sure you use one that’s just plain pumpkin and not some pre-flavored “pumpkin pie mix,” because you can never be sure what weird gluten-y stuff gets put into that sort of thing.

Then add 1/4 cup of almond milk.

Mix it all together thoroughly, then dump it in the bowl of flour and mix it all together thoroughly some more. If you’re not going to use an electric mixer, be prepared to do a fair amount of work getting it all evenly blended. On the upside, you will end up with massively ripped biceps like me.

And just in case the sugar content wasn’t enough to convince the kids, you can throw in 1/2 cup of GFCF chocolate chips to tempt them. (Enjoy Life and Tropical Source are two good brands.) You could also use GFCF mini-marshmallows, or even your favorite gluten-free crispy-rice cereal for added crunch.

Also, add in 1 Tablespoon of water. Why didn’t I add this earlier with the other wet ingredients? I forgot. Don’t tell anyone.

Spray a 9×13 baking dish liberally with canola oil, and scrape in the batter.

Then use a very wet hand to moosh the batter into place. You will probably need to shove your hand back under the faucet periodically to keep the batter from sticking to your fingers.

I can be pretty neurotic about getting the surface totally smooth. I certainly can’t imagine where my son got his OCD genes from…

Bake in a 350-degree oven for 35-40 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Set the pan on a wire rack and let it cool completely before slicing. I like to cut them into long bars, because it helps me pretend they’re more of a snack than a straight-up dessert. Ooh, you know what else these are great for? Halloween treats! Don’t kid yourself, it will be October before you know it.

Happy Eating!

Pumpkin Bars

2 cups amaranth (or other gluten-free) flour
1/2 tsp xanthan gum
3/4 cup sugar
2 tsp GF baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
8 TBS potato starch

1 15-oz. can pumpkin puree
1/2 cup canola oil
1/4 cup almond milk
1 TBS water
1/2 cup GFCF chocolate chips

An apple a day keeps the doctor away! Seriously. Apples are healthy in a lot of ways, but they are particularly good for digestive health, which is what this diet’s all about. So here I have my four organic gala apples, looking all posed and pretty.

And now I peel their skin off! Good thing apples don’t have feelings. Also, that’s not some weird angle of the camera, my pinky fingers really are that crooked. What can I say, I’m an odd duck.

Here’s the fastest way I’ve ever found to core an apple. It sure beats cutting the whole thing into slices and then trying to curve the knife around the core in each slice. And don’t even get me started on those useless kitchen gadgets where you can supposedly press the large round thing down over the entire apple and core and slice it all at once. They totally don’t work unless you have the strength of Hercules, in which case you can just intimidate someone else into coring your apples for you.

Slice the two big pieces…

…nip off a few bits of skin, and you’re done!

Toss them all into a large saucepan with a lid, and sprinkle on 2 Tablespoons of brown sugar. Truth be told, you can easily cut the amount of sugar by half or even more, because real apples are pretty sweet all on their own. 2 Tablespoons will get you to that dessert-level sweetness.

Then sprinkle on 2 teaspoons of cinnamon.

Turn the stove to medium-low, and put the lid on. Just like that? Just like that.

See, as they cook, the apples will start to release liquid, which will turn the sugar and cinnamon into that gooey sauce we all associate with cinnamon apples. Let them cook for about 20-30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

And that, my friends, is pure joy on a spoon. There’s really nothing more to say about it.

Happy Eating!

Cinnamon Apples

4 gala apples (organic, if at all possible)
2 TBS brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon