Wait, that doesn’t sound right — I mean for one thing, I don’t even get minimum wage.

Fortunately, I already had everything I needed to throw together some steak sandwiches, GFCF Lady style. You probably do, too. It really doesn’t require much. I started with one onion, cut into long strips and sauteed to extremes in a little oil. To get the onion fully soft and caramelized without burning, it helps to put a lid on the pan to trap in the moisture and cook it from all sides. I let the onion cook the whole time I was making everything else, so probably about 20 minutes in total.

Next, a steak marinated in Lea & Perrins worcestershire sauce. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!] I just laid it on a rack and tossed it under the broiler in my oven for about 6-8 minutes per side. (I’m morally opposed to using an outdoor grill when it’s still above 100 degrees after sunset, you know. But if you don’t live in a state adjacent to Hades itself, you might choose to see things differently. I’m also morally opposed to cleaning greasy pans, which is why I always line mine with foil.)

Meanwhile, I whipped up a tasty little sandwich spread by combining 2 Tablespoons of gluten-free mayonnaise (try Hellman’s if you’re looking for a national brand) and 2 teaspoons of worcestershire. The GFCF Husband likes to call this “flavornaise,” and I like to ignore him.

Thin slices of steak, thin slices of onion, thin slices of tomato, all on a sandwich-spreaded gluten-free bun. Oh my god y’all, it was so good.

But here’s a tip: do not, I repeat, do not put this on a round hamburger bun like I did. Use GF hot dog buns instead. There’s a reason this kind of sandwich typically gets put on a long roll, and for once the children weren’t the only ones making humongous messes on their plates. We gave up and got out forks within the first 3 bites. But man, I totally didn’t care.

Happy Eating!

Steak Sandwiches

1 onion
1-2 lb. steak
1 tomato
2 Tbs Hellman’s mayonnaise
2 tsp Lea & Perrins worcestershire
2-4 Kinnikinnick hot dog buns

I love steaks. And clearly I’m not the only one — did you know our university’s mascot is, in fact, a Longhorn cattle? I can’t think of any other place that would happily eat their alma mater’s ambassador. But let’s face it, they’re delicious. A slab of meat and a little heat is all you need. Well, okay, not entirely. You need a couple other things. But not many!

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First, you need salt, pepper, and rosemary. I can’t give you exact measurements, you just sprinkle them all on. Make it look like this and you can’t go wrong.

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Then put them seasoning-side-down in a pan with just a little oil. Important tip: you want the pan to be hot before you put the meat in. Not spattering oil everywhere, just hot enough to make the meat sizzle when you put it in. And hey, now that the underside is exposed, you can season it too.

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You want to only have to flip the meat one time, which means you want to leave it until the cooked part is climbing more than halfway up the sides, and the bottom is nice and browned. After you flip it, you can either play forensic detective with your steaks trying to figure out when they’re done, or you can just get out your trusty meat thermometer and pull them off the heat when they’re exactly 150 degrees F.

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Transfer your steaks over to their respective plates, but don’t turn the heat off yet. See all that fantastic brown stuff the meat left behind? We want it off the pan and into our sauce. So we’re going to pour in about 1/4 cup of red wine vinegar and deglaze that mofo. This is one of those foods that ought to be gluten-free, as long as you’re using real red wine vinegar and not some “red wine flavored” knockoff. Above all, make sure the word “malt” isn’t anywhere on the label, because that could mean barley, which would mean gluten. You could also substitute a balsamic vinegar, if you happen to have that instead.

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There’s no real reason for this extra shot, but photos of pouring liquid look cool. Just milliseconds before it hit the pan!

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The mad bubbling will do most of the work, but you can help it along by scraping up any remaining brown bits with a wooden spoon. A few moments later you’ll be left with an incredible sauce infused with all the flavors of the meal.

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Drizzle the sauce over the steaks, and prepare to experience a serious meat coma.

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Happy Eating!

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Rosemary Steaks

2-4 steaks
Salt
Pepper
Rosemary
1/4 cup red wine vinegar

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Because, you see, like so many of the recipes I foist upon my unsuspecting children, these meatballs contain secret ninja vegetables. And not just a couple ninjas. We’re talking the whole dojo, here.

Three. Entire. Zucchinis.

(Or three “courgettes,” if your ninjas happen to be British. Man, now I really want to do an eggplant recipe too, just so I can be posh and call them aubergines.)

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Where was I? Oh yes — peel and chop. You must use a food processor or immersion blender for this next step, a regular upright blender won’t even come close. This is largely because you don’t want to add any liquid to the mixture at all, so it’ll be rough going at first. But just keep at it, and as the zucchini compacts, it will release its own liquid and things will start to flow in there. Slowly add more of your chopped pieces to the cup as you get the space, until you ultimately end up with about 2 cups of smooth puree.

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Check out those colors. It’s truly beautiful. Pour your puree (three whole zucchinis’ worth!) into a large bowl with 2 pounds of ground lamb.

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Now squeesh. And squoosh. And squarsh. And so on.

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Look! Where did all the bright green zucchini go? It’s magic, boys and girls. Do not look behind the curtain. Oh yeah, also mix in 1 teaspoon of salt, and 1/2 teaspoon of oregano. Almost forgot that bit.

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Sculpt your mixture into meatballs about one and a half inches in diameter. It will be fairly gooey, but just sort of cup and scoop it between your hands until it’s roundish.

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Lay them out in baking dishes brushed with a little olive oil. I don’t know what it is, but I always end up with exactly 19 of them. The OCD person inside me really, really wants it to be an even 20, but it never is.

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Bake them at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, then remove them to a paper towel to drain. These things freeze really well, by the way, so it’s worth it to make a big batch like this. Of course the logical way to serve them would be with GF pasta and marinara sauce, but I haven’t done that here because my kids strangely prefer them plain. Go figure.

Speaking of figures, let’s pause for a moment to do a little math (I know, you all love it when I talk nerdy to you.) If your kid eats just three of these meatballs, he will have unwittingly consumed nearly half of an entire zucchini as well. Seriously? Seriously. And you know what they taste like? Meat. Go on, embrace your inner veggie ninja.

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Happy Eating!

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The GFCF Lady’s Lamb and Zucchini Meatballs

3 zucchinis
2 lbs. ground lamb
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp oregano

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Here are the first three: oil (my sunflower oil is lovely, but something more common like grapeseed or olive oil would work just as well,) McCormick curry powder, and lime juice. Curry powder is one of those spice blends that can commonly be cut with white flour, so be careful with your brands. [As always, the brands that I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

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Ingredient number four is, of course, steaks. Pop them in a ziplock bag with 1 Tablespoon of oil, 1 Tablespoon of curry powder, and 2 Tablespoons of lime juice, and massage everything around. See how I’m also not even getting a bowl dirty with this one? I’m lazy both mentally and physically. Let it marinate in the fridge for 30 minutes or all day, however much time you have.

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If you want to go all authentic, throw your steaks on the grill. Me, I’m going to put them on a little pan rack over some foil (not my mind-foil, this is different) and put them under the broiler in my oven.

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About 6-8 minutes a side will result in this beauty. And though I may not be able to remember what I had for breakfast this morning, you’d better believe I’m going to remember what I had for dinner.

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Happy Eating!

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Curry Lime Steaks

2-4 steaks
1 TBS sunflower oil
1 TBS McCormick curry powder
2 TBS lime juice

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Looks a lot like beef, to be honest. This cut is an “arm chop,” which is only relevant to note because it has a bone in it. You can use pretty much any type of lamb meat for this stew, but having a bone will help make the broth nice and thick like it ought to be.

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Another thing that’s going to help beef up the broth (so to speak) is breading the meat chunks before we cook them. Put 1/4 cup gluten-free flour in a bowl (I used Bob’s Red Mill All-Purpose blend, but for this any type will do,) and add in 1 teaspoon of salt and 1/2 teaspoon of black pepper for a little flavor boost.

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Heat up a large soup pot or dutch oven on the stove with a little oil. You want the oil to be nice and hot before you put the meat in. Then dredge a handful at a time in the flour and toss them in as you go.

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Stir the pieces quickly so they can brown on all sides. It should only take a couple of minutes before all the dustiness of the flour and visible redness of the meat is gone.

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Now add 1 1/2 cups of water, and 1 cup of white cooking wine to the pot. Generally speaking, wines are made from grapes and should be gluten free, but always check the ingredient list to be sure it’s not some blended product. Above all, the word “malt” should not be anywhere on the bottle. The alcohol content will cook away, but if for some reason you don’t want to use it, you can always substitute white grape juice or apple cider in any recipe that calls for white wine.

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Remember the bone? Toss that in the pot too. It’s going to impart not just a ton of flavor, but also natural gelatin which will thicken the stew and result in the most awesomest broth you’ve ever tasted.

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Also add in 1 teaspoon each of oregano and rosemary. Then bring the pot to a boil, cover and simmer for 1 hour.

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After your house has been filled with a wonderful aroma, add in about 2 cups of carrots (I like shreds, but you could do diced as well) and 2 cups of small potato pieces. These cute little things I’m using are actually called fingerling potatoes, which I like because the peels are super thin so you can leave them on. But any type of potato will do as long as the pieces are bite-sized. Put the lid back on, and continue to simmer for another hour, until the potatoes are nice and soft.

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Finally, add in 1 cup of frozen peas, and cook with the lid off until the peas are warmed through, another 5-10 minutes.

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Make sure you fish out that bone piece before you ladle it into bowls. Finding that in your spoon would put a bit of a damper an otherwise delectable stew experience.

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Happy Eating!

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Lamb Stew

2 lbs. lamb meat
1/4 cup gluten-free flour
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1 cup white cooking wine
1 1/2 cups water
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp oregano
2 cups carrots, diced or shredded
2 cups new potatoes, diced
1 cup frozen peas

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But this kebab recipe is better than just hunks of meat and vegetables. This is more like pure joy with a giant toothpick crammed through it. If you’re using wooden skewers like I am (bamboo, actually, which is a grass rather than a wood, but that’s beside the point,) you’ll need to soak them in water beforehand so they don’t burn. It doesn’t take long, you can just let them sit long enough for you to finish prepping the rest of the ingredients.

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Did I mention this kebab recipe involves bacon? I’ve been finding all sorts of wonderful new uses for bacon recently. This is Hormel Natural Choice, which is not only gluten free, but nitrate- and nitrite-free as well. [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change recipes without warning. Always check your labels!] We want it separated into half-strips, so I just cut right down the middle of the package to open it. Done and done.

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Also cut your beef into bite-sized chunks. I forgot to take a picture of that, silly me. I think I used a round roast, but don’t quote me on that. Any solid piece of meat will do, including chicken or lamb if that’s more your thing. Next you’re going to set up two bowls. In the first bowl, put about 2-3 Tablespoons of chili powder.

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Take a piece of meat and dip half of it in the chili powder.

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Then flip it around and dip the other half in your second bowl, which you should have coyly filled with sugar without taking a photo of it. I was really off my game the night I made this, I tell you what. But yes, half chili powder, and half sugar. It is so good. And it gets better…

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Now wrap a slice of bacon around your hunk of beef. It’s like a teeny tiny filet mignon!

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Skewer it so that the bacon stays in place, and try to fill at least some of the space in between with things that are not meat. I’m using pineapple and red bell pepper, because they’re a fantastic combination. There is nothing in this world better than grilled pineapple.

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Do you grill? Because I totally don’t. I just can’t see the point in firing up an entirely separate cooking appliance, outdoors in the cold no less, when I have a perfectly good oven with a broiler. Direct heat is direct heat, and I honestly don’t see the difference, blasphemy though that may be to some of you grill acolytes. Anyway, this is a foil-lined pan, with my kebabs sitting on a little raised rack, so the drippings have somewhere to go. Turn the broiler on high, put the pan close to the top (where the broiler element lives, if you’ve never used it,) and give the kebabs about 6-8 minutes per side. It’s going to depend a lot on how thick your meat pieces are, so keep an eye on it.

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It’s done when it looks like this. You, however, won’t be done until there’s none left.

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Happy Eating!

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Beef Kebabs

1-2 lbs. beef steak or roast
2-3 TBS chili powder
2-3 TBS sugar
1 pkg Hormel Natural Choice bacon
2 cups pineapple
1 red bell pepper

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But before I get too ahead of myself, let’s start by heating up a little oil and sauteeing 1 diced onion together with 3 cloves of minced garlic.

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Once they’re translucent, sprinkle in 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of pepper.

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Then mix in 1 pound of ground beef, breaking up the pieces gently as you stir.

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Now here comes the unexpected ingredient: dates! Six of them, to be specific. These sweet and chewy fruits are kind of like moister, monster raisins. If your regular store doesn’t carry them, you should be able to find them at any Indian market. The most common species sold in the US is the Medjool variety, but for this recipe any kind will do. If yours are not already pitted, make sure to cut a slit from top to bottom with a sharp knife and pry the pit out. They’re very large, you won’t be able to miss it.

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Dice up the dates into small pieces, and add them to your beef mixture when it has just a small amount of pink still showing.

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While the beef finishes cooking, prepare your cabbage leaves. First, chop off the bulk of the stem at the bottom. Of course you could just as easily put this filling in a regular GF tortilla or spring roll wrapper, if you’re not that into cabbage. But I really recommend you try the cabbage at least once. You’ll be surprised at how well it holds its shape without the help of a toothpick, and how little it tastes like cabbage when it’s presented in this form. We’re big fans of vegetables that don’t taste like vegetables, around here.

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You’ll still have some amount of stem remaining, of course, since the stem basically goes all the way up the middle, but you should now have several leaves that are no longer attached at the bottom, and can be peeled off the main body.

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Chop off more stem as necessary to free more leaves, until you have about 8 large, untorn wrappers ready to use. Boil them in a large pot of water until they are soft and somewhat transparent, about 3-5 minutes.

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Lay out a leaf with the main rib oriented to one side (rather than the top or bottom,) and drop a large spoonful of your meat mixture into the center.

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Roll the bottom edge upward, and tuck each side in as you get about halfway up.

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Once you’ve wrapped up each one, toss them in a 350 degree oven for about 5-10 minutes, just to warm them through and dry out any extra liquid. No need for a dipping sauce, since the dates make the filling nicely sweet. And hey, even if your kids can’t handle the cabbage leaves, I guarantee you they will like the mixture in some other kind of wrapping. It’s the thought that counts.

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Happy Holiday Eating!

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Cabbage Rolls

1 onion
3 cloves minced garlic
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 lb. ground beef
6 dates, pitted
8 cabbage leaves

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Of course my version is GFCF. (That’s kind of my thing. Did you know that? Sorry if it was too subtle.) So we start with a package of Applegate Farms hot dogs. They also make a decent turkey hot dog if you happen to prefer that.

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Slice the hot dog into bite-sized chunks, and jab half-sticks of uncooked gluten-free spaghetti into each piece. I’m actually using this cool new King Soba pasta my store started carrying, made out of sweet potato and buckwheat. Now before you go into palpitations, remember that buckwheat is not actually wheat. It’s a completely different plant, contains no gluten, and is one of the better GF flours to work with, in my opinion. It just has a stupidly inaccurate name, that’s all.

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Speaking of inaccurate, octopuses might not be the best name for these, since most of them end up having more than eight legs. You can call them jellyfish if your anal-retentive kid is gonna call you on it. When they’re still uncooked like this, I actally think they look like little Sputniks (which makes sense, because they’re Russian, remember?)

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Toss them into boiling water and cook according to your pasta’s package directions.

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And voila, we have noodly appendages! Do I think it looks appetizing myself? Well no, not really. But I don’t have a Y chromosome. Little boys think this stuff is hysterical, and they eat it right up. Literally.

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Happy Eating!

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What-what-what? Is that a fresh garlic clove I see? Yeah, sometimes I end up going the extra mile. I was going to be making something later in the week that called for whole cloves of garlic, so I had the extra garlic lying around and figured I shouldn’t let it go to waste. Anyway, I snipped the ends and got them peeled, but I’ll warn you, I did not even come close to properly mincing them, probably out of defiance more than anything. My mother has told me I was very contrarian as a child too.

Where was I? Oh yes, Greek Flank Steak! We’re making a flavorful marinade here, so we’ll need at least three cloves of garlic, chopped into whatever consistency you can manage.

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Next we’re going to add the juice of two lemons. Again with the fresh stuff! Don’t worry, that little plastic container of lemon juice still has a home in my fridge. But they were having a sale on lemons, and I figured why not? In general, a medium lemon will produce 2 Tablespoons, so this equals about 4 Tablespoons (or 1/4 cup) of lemon juice.

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Now toss in 1/2 teaspoon of pepper, and 1 Tablespoon of salt.

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Also, 3 teaspoons of dried oregano (which is the same as 1 Tablespoon, if you’re into measurement conversions.)

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Pour in one cup of quality olive oil, and mix everything thoroughly.

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Now put the whole concoction into a ziplock bag with a 2-3 pound flank steak, and let it marinate overnight in the fridge. This is important, because flank steak is generally a fairly tough cut of meat, and the acidity of the lemon juice is going to slowly break it down and tenderize it. If you shorten the marinating time, you will still have an excellent flavor, but the meat may end up pretty chewy.

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The next day, just place the steak on a rack and broil it in the oven for 6-10 minutes on each side, depending on how thick your cut of meat is. Of course you can also do it on an outdoor grill if you’re into that sort of thing.

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I like it best sliced very thin, which for the record, this is not. The GFCF Husband didn’t realize I was photographing this meal, and started cutting in his own quick-and-dirty way before I had a chance to do it. Certainly can’t fault him for trying to help me get dinner on the table faster, though.

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Happy Eating!

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Greek Flank Steak

2-3 lb flank steak
3 cloves garlic
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 Tbs salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1 Tbs oregano
1 cup olive oil

Our sauce base today is this organic, gluten-free hoisin sauce by Edward & Sons. (They also make great instant potatoes, by the way, as well as all-natural GFCF sprinkles for cupcakes.) [As always, the brands I use were GFCF at the time of posting, but manufacturers can change formulas without warning. Always check your labels!]

Note that not all of the Edward & Sons sauces are gluten free, just this one and their teriyaki sauce. And if you look closely at the bottle, you’ll also learn how to say “gluten free” in French! Actually, that may be “without wheat,” I’m not sure. Either way, “bleh” is an appropriate syllable for it, don’t you think? If you want to have a go at making an approximation of this sauce yourself, it’s mostly soy sauce (make sure yours is GF!), apple cider vinegar, sugar, orange juice, sesame oil, and Five Spice. An Asian-y barbecue sauce, really.

So pour out 1/4 cup of the hoisin sauce, and add 2 Tablespoons of honey…

…and 1 1/2 Tablespoons of Lea & Perrin’s worcestershire sauce.

Now, cut up about a pound of beef steak into bite-size pieces, and mix them in the bowl with the sauce. Give them as much time to marinate as you can, but don’t sweat it if it isn’t that long. Usually I end up just letting it sit long enough for me to cook the mushrooms. What mushrooms, you ask?

These mushrooms! Sautee 8 oz. of fresh mushrooms in some olive oil until they’re mostly cooked, a good 8-10 minutes.

While you wait, get out 1/2 cup of dried cranberries, and soak them in some water. I know I use cranberries a lot, but if you don’t like the taste you could always use dried cherries or even golden raisins instead.

Meanwhile, start cooking your rice. 1 1/2 cups of rice is a good complement for the amount of stir fry we’re making, but of course you could do more or less depending on how many people you’re trying to feed.

Man, I always forget how much mushrooms shrink when you cook them. Dump in your meat-sauce concoction and let the meat brown, stirring occasionally. I know it isn’t truly a stir fry unless you have it over very high heat and are stirring constantly, but that’s a bad idea here because it will burn off the sauce too quickly. I won’t tell if you won’t.

And just for a little crunch, let’s toast 1/2 cup of almonds and throw them in there too. I always stock both almonds and cranberries in the pantry, not only for cooking but for sprinkling on salads as well. If your preference is for walnuts, or cashews, or pine nuts, those are all fine and dandy too. It’s a stir fry, do whatever you want! The easiest way to toast the nuts is to microwave them in a bowl one minute at a time, tossing them gently in between, until they crunch when you bite them (instead of squeaking.)

We’re almost there! Drain the cranberries (or other dried fruit of your choice,) and dump them in the pan along with the almonds.

And that’s it! Serve over rice, and sit back and watch the smiles on their faces. Well, don’t sit back too long, you’ll want to eat your own before it gets cold.

Happy Eating!

The GFCF Lady’s beef stir fry

1/4 cup Premier Japan (Edward & Sons) Hoisin sauce
2 TBS honey
1 1/2 TBS Lea & Perrin’s worcestershire sauce
1 lb. beef steak
8 oz. mushrooms
1/2 cup dried cranberries
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1 1/2 cups rice